Europa es un continente muy diverso. Por eso, en este articulo, Voy a cubrir cómo caminar correctamente las calles, callejones, colinas, and promenades of some of Europe’s major cities. I will generalize greatly in this piece, pero es 100% correct in my opinion. Most of this article is me venting my frustrations at Europeans, tourists and their ways of walking in Europe. If you are European and do not like getting scolded, entonces este no es el artículo para usted.
Lo sé, I know…I am American. Sé que hacemos aviones no tripulados, tener problemas de pistola, and really hate minorities (I am a minority). Sé que somos grasa, obnoxious and stupid. That being said, I am a New Yorker first. Because I am a New Yorker, I am certain that “we – New Yorkers – know how to walk”. New Yorkers enjoy the day, pero lo hacemos con un propósito. Our goal is to get to our destination and to do it effectively. That is the key…to get to where you need to regardless of whether sunshine or snow is involved.
Aquí está mi análisis de caminar en Europa.
EUROPEANS ARE SOME OF THE WORST WALKERS IN THE WORLD!
Move to the friggin’ right (your right). Seriously, if I move to your left; you move right. De algun modo, en la mayoría de los países europeos, la gente todavía que entran en. Europeans like to talk on their mobiles with seemingly no consideration of the person in front of them. They think the whole sidewalk is their sidewalk…and they walk SLOOOOWLY. All I ask is can you please move to the friggin’ right.
New Yorkers walk. We take subways, A veces tomamos taxis, pero en su mayor parte, we travel on our two feet. In Europe, entras en la mayoría de las ciudades pequeñas, pero usualmente, drive from town to town. That brings me to:
Conducir en Europa
Escúchame. Ir de un lugar a otro no es NASCAR, no es Fórmula 1, and is certainly not the Fast and the Furious. If you drive like you’re in one of these races, you drive terribly and too fast. Drivers in most European countries will literally speed up when they see you walking down the street. It seems as if they want to hit you. Why? Because there are asshats who don’t realize they could really hurt people.
Sr. conductor, slow the heck down. There are elderly and people, niños, and tourists walking down the street. Take a puff of your cigarrette and relax. Se llega a su destino unos minutos más lento, pero tienen 1 la muerte descuento tu karma.
Pero ¿qué pasa con los peatones imprudentes, you ask. No deben ser cruzando en rojo. Yes, people shouldn’t jaywalk; I agree. Pero las calles europeas sienten como una pista de carreras, ya que es bastante caro para obtener una licencia. This means that it is mostly rich people who can afford licenses. It’s almost €2,000 to get a license in Europe and the tests are ridiculous. 5-hour endurance test. Crazy sauce.
Now, Vamos a dividirla por países.
Caminar en Italia
En Italia, people walk slow. Slooooow. Sloooooooooow. In Rome, puede que tengas suerte a caminar al lado de las personas cuyo ritmo está a punto 1 km an hour. The biggest issue is that people will be talking on their cellphones. Los turistas se busca en todos los sitios. Women will be sun-glassed and won’t even notice you exist. They will have zero regard for you and you’ll end up walking on on the actual streets.
The Chinese and Indian tourists will not even know you exist. They will be filming the city for their “1-day” in Italy video and walk all over you. It will be a horde of people that can be overwhelming. Lots and lots of tourists will be filming and photographing everything. My advice to you…drop the shoulder and just plow through them, o si usted es más educado, go around them in the street…
No me hagan hablar con las calles.
Funk you cobblestone old-timesy streets. You want to kill me and every older person on earth. Sure, sus calles se ven bien en Instagram, but they feel terrible after a day of walking. They also get super slippery when wet and break iPhones (had this happen in Venice). My hips and back feel terrible after a simple walk to the market. These amazing Instagram vistas from the past should be put in the past. Give me a nice paved road. Nothing historic or “it’s our patrimony” give me something my hips won’t hate so that if I fall, No voy a estar en un andador en mis años futuros.
El caminar en las colinas
Don’t do it at night in a hill town if you don’t want to end the same way Robert Baratheon did. Yup. This happened to me. Cinghiale hangout in the hills of Cinque Terre, Toscana, el bosque Negro, and parts of Spain. They will mess you up. They will run into you smashing your leg. Kick you to throw you off balance or just eat you.
That being said, que son bastante sabrosa.
Volver a Caminar en las ciudades turísticas de Italia
no, you will literally be attacked by people walking into you. Terrible drivers will go into the sidewalk and almost hito you. Did I mention you will be accosted by tour groups?
Caminar en Francia
La gente camina lentamente, except for those in Paris. Paris is a gem of a city. Parisians know how to walk. They move to their right, Muévete rápido, and are focused on where they want to go. Love Paris. Desafortunadamente, they smoke. So if you are behind a Parisian, they will probably be inhaling a Chesterfield and the backdraft will hit you in the face. It will get your clothes disgustingly smokey. Expect to be confronted with an air of “I am French, you are in the wrong and you can’t tell us what to do” when you look at them. It’s terrible.
So, las afueras de París, se obtiene el resto de Francia, que son lentos, leisurely walkers. Yeah, you’re lazy and slow. You know who I am talking about. You barely know how to walk. You walk like you have no place to go. You walk like life is a farce and you are walking just to be ironic. You walk like each step is taxed at the 47% tasa de impuesto. You walk like…..okay you get the point. Walk faster and to the right please…unless you’re in a sleepy quiet French town like Beaune where nothing happens; there, se le permite caminar tan lenta como desea.
Caminar en Alemania
You guys are serious. I like that. Keep it up.
Caminar en los callejones de Europa
No issues so far. In cities like Marseilles or Genoa, you will be propositioned for some “extracurricular” activities. Just shake your head to the left/right and keep walking. Zero harm will come of it and you will have an interesting story to tell your friends back at home.
Caminar en Croacia
Did someone pick my wallet? Did that car just jump into the medium. Who is this person watching me. Croats are constantly conscious of their surroundings and walk fast as heck to get out of the sun and the watching women on the balconies. It’s one of the only countries where I have seen old ladies with walkers walking faster then tourists. I clap for you my Croatian friends.
Caminar en el Reino Unido
London is like NYC except they walk slow-ish. Not slow. They just have a peculiar cadence. It’s a lazy walk with no purpose. They want to get somewhere, but they do not know exactly where they want to go..maybe they do and they just don’t want to go. When you visit London, Te recomiendo que no camina en la noche, everyone is way too sozzled. How much is the alcohol limit in London? Too much, that’s my opinion. I want to walk behind you, pero no si usted está caminando hacia los lados en zigzag, cantando canciones, canto a su equipo favorito, y dejando caer cosas mientras camina.
Caminar en España
Look at the part about the French countryside. The Spanish are about 1 km slower. Barcelona and Madrid are terrible walking cities. I know you can blame the heat, or say you are “enjoying life”; but honestly…you’re just being slow. Join the modern world, acelerar y caminar hacia la derecha.
….while we are on the subject of Spain. Stop being so morose about the world. You had a dictator, que tenía una economía de mierda, sus sindicatos controlan demasiado, but lighten up. We like you. I would tell the French the same, sino que simplemente escupirme y soplar el humo en la cara.
Caminar en Portugal
I leave the crown jewel of my European experience (12 years) to Portugal. You are the best walkers in Europe. You are focused, conciso, and walk with a purpose. People walk at a cadence which is pleasantly easy to keep in time with. It’s like dancing.
Who am I kidding? Portugal is worst than Italy, France, or Spain. Walk to the friggin right! Walk at a good pace. You actually have to get somewhere. Move out of the way when people are behind you. Pick up after your dog. GRRRRR…. Portugal is the worst.
I don’t want to kick the butt of my new home but people are very inconsiderate. They walk into you. Older people have no clue you are there when they walk (they get a pass – cause they’re old). If you get near a tour group, they will walk all over you (Chinese tour groups the worst).
Si alguien tiene un niño, el niño probablemente se topará con usted, agarrar, correr a su alrededor, or worst run into traffic without the parents even caring or noticing. If you say something you will get chastised as “Not being Portuguese” or not knowing the “Portuguese way”.
En este momento estoy encerrado en el apartamento, dreading the Portuguese walk. Dreading getting “shouldered” or walking at 1 km per hour down a running path. I dread seeing the old lady being pushed into the street by some tween on her Samsung Note. It will happen and I will be prepared. This is why I fear the experience of caminando en Europa.
…sorry had to rant…but seriously. Walk to the right.